EXACTLY 34 years ago today, a former Swindon vicar announced he’d preach at his own funeral.

Unlike the founder of his organisation, however, Alf Gower-Jones planned to use the latest technology in his reappearance.

“Yes folks,” said the Adver, “he’s doing a Kenny Everett and producing his own video show.

“It will be shown on a giant TV screen at his funeral. And, he promised today, it’s going to be something special.

“The rollicking reverend is the former vicar of St Luke’s in Broad Street, Swindon.

“The video vicar plans to hold the funeral at the Lytham church where his brother, Geoffrey, a former Archdeacon of Lancaster, was vicar before retiring recently.

“And that’s not all. For included in his will, now being drawn up, is a gift of £100 to a friend for a good booze-up after the funeral.

“Alf, 72, crippled with polio since childhood, is now retired and living it up at Lytham, Lancashire.”

The vicar himself told us: “Most sermons are so boring I couldn’t think of anyone better to preach after my death than me.

“I’m fed up with bloody boring vicars who drone on and on.

“I’ve stopped going to church because of them – and even my brother sends me to sleep.

“Often when I’ve sat in church listening to him I’ve prayed to God that he’ll lose his voice.

“I’m not being morbid about it. I’ve laughed all through life and I want people to have a good laugh when I die.”

Religion also figured strongly in a rather different Swindon Advertiser story, as it was in this week in 1981 that the Salvation Army opened Davis House, its £1.8m hostel for homeless people near the town centre.

There to unveil the plaque was the Salvation Army’s commander in chief, a London-born Canadian called Arnold Brown.

He called Davis House, named after Swindon Mayor and Salvationist William Davis, an achievement in co-operation.

General Brown lived until 2002, while Davis House itself was demolished in 2007 to help make way for a new car park. The current Swindon hostel is Booth House.

The opening of Davis House coincided with a controversial television documentary in which a reporter called David Jones posed as a homeless man.

He said he visited 27 of the organisation’s 42 hostels, and was turned away from all but four because he had no money to pay for lodging. He also claimed the Salvation Army spent more on evangelism than helping people.

Both claims were denied by the team at Davis House.

We also spoke to Salvation Army social services boss Anna Hannevik, who accused the filmmakers of subterfuge and unfairness.

She said: “I thought they wanted to talk to me about homelessness and our policy – but there we were, talking about what we do about bed-wetting in our hostels.”

Moving from spiritual to decidedly secular matters, a major figure in one of Britain’s most notorious political scandals was appearing at the Wyvern Theatre.

Mandy Rice-Davies was a former model forever known for her association with the Profumo affair, in which Minister for War John Profumo was forced to step down after lying to the Commons about his sexual activities.

This week in 1981 she was appearing in a Tom Stoppard play called Dirty Linen, a comedy about moral standards among politicians. Her co-stars included Henry McGee, best known for his long association with the Benny Hill Show and his role opposite the Honey Monster in Sugar Puffs commercials.

Mandy Rice-Davies died, aged 70, last year.

Many Swindon racing fans headed to Epson for the 202nd Derby, and we sent a photographer and reporter.

We said: “We joined the £27-a-head customers on the 7.30am Rimes special to the course – complete with coffee a packed lunch and an endless supply of booze served by couriers Lorraine Lenehan and Mandy Keen.

“Our parking spot – which cost £110 – was on the grandstand rails, about two-and-a-half furlongs from the winning post.”

Among those pictured were Linda Black and Linda Kirkham, who were tucking into jellied eels, and Neil Dashfield, Dave Skull and Eddie Lamb, who were captured as each worked their way through a slice of watermelon.

All witnessed a piece of racing history which later spawned an enduring enigma. The winning horse, Shergar, became a national celebrity nearly on a par with racing greats such as Red Rum, Arkle and Mill Reef, but was stolen from his Irish stud stable less than two years later, never to be seen again.

It is generally accepted that he was taken by the IRA for ransom, only to be killed by his captors.

Another sport-related story was about an emerging martial arts dynasty in Wootton Bassett.

“When Teresa Lawrence steps onto the judo mat,” we said, “she becomes the third generation of the same family to take part in the sport.

“For Teresa, now a veteran with nearly six months’ practice, will be three in July. Although only the holder of a white belt, which is the bottom rung of the judo ladder, Teresa knows a few tricks. Judo is a way of life in her family.

“Ready to pass on a few hints are Teresa’s mother, Philippa Lawrence, a black belt first dan, and her grandfather, Philip Chapman, who is a black belt second dan.

“Tiny Teresa can break a fall, throw an opponent or hold someone more than twice her age down on the floor.”

The family were mainstays of Wootton Bassett’s Otani Judo Club, and we’d love to hear from them – Teresa especially.